Coming out of the Fog

This weekend my niece got married. My oldest niece, born when I was in high school, is now married. She is the second of my brother's children to start their lives with their own family. Sweet, fuzzy headed baby Braelynn, who loved her hats and asking "why?" is married. It has been wonderful to watch her grow into this young lady full of poise and strength. She knows what she wants and has made it happen. Alex is wonderful and the two of them are going to go far.  Spending the weekend at this glorious event gave me pause, though. It made me realize how far we have come in a year. Just last year when Andrew married his love, Michelle, I was unable to really enjoy it. The hole in my heart was just too large, and I couldn't even fake it. I was so happy for them, but had so much trouble with my loss, I literally walked out on the Father/Daughter dance and sobbed by myself in the bathroom. I hope they didn't take my difficulty personally. ...

Yesterday Riley and I drove to my mother in law's house to visit. On the almost hour long drive, Riley was pensive. Normally, she would pass out in the back seat and I would be left with my radio sounds and my thoughts, but this time, she began talking. "I miss Grandad." It always starts this way. "He is in my heart. Do you miss him, Mommy?" "Yes, I miss him all the time. You guys spent a lot of time together. Remember what you used to do?" "We used to watch Mickey videos together! And Daddy Finger, and Baby shark..." It occurred to me that her 3 years of memories of this vibrant, active, wonderful man were limited to him being tied to an oxygen machine and sitting in a chair and watching videos together. Granted, there were many more that I have of the two of them, but her capacity to remember is limited to those. The most significant part of this conversation for me is the realization that for her, these memories are sa...

On January 26, 2018 I eulogized my beloved father.  I woke up knowing it was going to be a terribly emotional day. I cried a lot. I got showered and dressed, looking as pretty as I could muster, as though it mattered. I sobbed some more. Then, on the road driving to the church, I got angry. What in the world were all of these people doing out on the road, like nothing big was happening? How DARE they go on like the world was the same??  My irrationality was real, and my emotions were raw, my nerves frayed at the ends. Yes, we had said goodbye two weeks before, but now, now we had to honor him in front of people....share a piece of ourselves at the memorial service and tell the world about him, as if that could ever encompass him, as if it could ever be enough. By September of 2017, the writing was on the wall. We (if we admitted it to ourselves) knew that his body was failing him. Our hopes of a miracle, that he would suddenly be well again, were now turning towards...

"Be Fearless. I love you." These were my last words to my father a year ago. As my siblings and I said our goodbyes for the last time and each filed out of the room, we each took our turn giving our final hug. We were thankful that we got to tell him whatever we wanted to in that time, while simultaneously wishing that we didn't have to, that there was more time. Fearless. Why would I tell him to be fearless as he left this world? As I held his face in my hands and looked into his eyes for the last time, telling him how I never wondered my worth with him, through my tears, I told him to be fearless. The memory is a painful one for me, but I am so glad to have it. I know he understood. Dad's nickname with the Pink Panthers was Fearless. I didn't understand this fully until I attended the Vietnam Helicopter Pilot's Association convention in July. I heard how everyone wanted "Fearless" in their front seat because he was the best. I heard how he ...

 I have stopped and started this post a couple of times. I have an idea of what I want to say, but have lacked the words to say it right. It seems to be a theme of my year. Last year on January 1, we were muddling through the days, having an idea of what was coming, but lacking the knowledge of what that would truly mean. We were watching Dad wither away, becoming someone new, someone different, knowing he was dying, but not knowing when. I was able to see my Daddy be weak, but simultaneously strong. It was painful and heart wrenching. But, I got to have some special moments with my dad, which I would never ever trade and I will cherish them always. My new year started on January 14, when Dad took his last, peaceful breath, after talking with angels, and meeting his long deceased, beloved parents for a picnic for several days.  After I said my own goodbye to him, staring in his eyes. There was so much beauty in his transition, but the pain of him being gone was acute and...

This weekend was awesome. Like, truly amazingly, wonderfully awesome. The planning had all been done, the details figured out, weather app checked numerous times, and people arrived. My baby sister got married to the perfect man for her. We all got dressed up and gathered around them to celebrate. We celebrated them for hours, with lots of laughs, silly dancing, candy, cupcakes, oh so much food, and a healthy share of beer and wine. It was beautiful, all of it. There is no secret surrounding the fact that someone was missing from the weekend. There was a big, gaping hole where he belongs. We all felt the absence, and it made us sad. He would have loved nothing more than to be there, watching his baby girl commit to a man who makes her so happy. He would have loved walking her down the aisle, hugging her, kissing her cheek, and handing her over to Brian. He would have loved the food and chatter, even if after a while the craziness might have led him to seek refuge in a quiet ar...

In life, we are afforded many different experiences and many different emotions that go along with them. We fall in love, and the butterflies start and it is an all encompassing need to be near that person, to hear their voice, to touch them. Then, in some cases, those butterflies flutter away and the relationship breaks up, and there is an all encompassing sadness. Oftentimes, this is a cycle of love, sadness, love, sadness...until, one hopes, the one all encompassing relationship starts and the cycle ends. When you have a child, there is this all encompassing feeling starting in pregnancy. Protectiveness over this little life takes over every thought, and you can't think of anything else but how to get that baby here safely. Almost every part of life becomes about the baby and then...then. The baby arrives and you see that face and you are bursting with love. The first several weeks and months are about nothing but baby care...diapers, wipes, cribs, baths, feedings, no sleep,...