All Encompassing
In life, we are afforded many different experiences and many different emotions that go along with them.
We fall in love, and the butterflies start and it is an all encompassing need to be near that person, to hear their voice, to touch them. Then, in some cases, those butterflies flutter away and the relationship breaks up, and there is an all encompassing sadness. Oftentimes, this is a cycle of love, sadness, love, sadness...until, one hopes, the one all encompassing relationship starts and the cycle ends.
When you have a child, there is this all encompassing feeling starting in pregnancy. Protectiveness over this little life takes over every thought, and you can't think of anything else but how to get that baby here safely. Almost every part of life becomes about the baby and then...then. The baby arrives and you see that face and you are bursting with love. The first several weeks and months are about nothing but baby care...diapers, wipes, cribs, baths, feedings, no sleep, crying. And you are taken over by that feeling that you are the only one experiencing it because it has encompassed you.
Most poignant for me has been the all encompassing power of grief. I guess it is a sign that you have loved hard because now, you are grieving hard. The hole in my life that is shaped like my dad is always there. It is always following me. Sometimes, I think it is leading me because I am wrapping myself in it. It is nowhere that I want to stay. And yet, I don't expect it to ever not be that way.
I have found a way to make it through my days and continue to enjoy the fun and the laughs. I partake in quite a few giggle fits with friends and indulge myself in the belief that I am hilarious! It is good to have the type of life that allows you to laugh often and love much. Even so, the hole is right there the whole time.
Tonight as I was binge watching one of my favorite shows, "Call the Midwife" (BBC show and I love it, don't judge), the subject matter was the loss of one of the main characters and the grief of those left behind.
Um, helloooo, I'm right there with you, girls on the screen!
Anyway, there was a clip that stood out and I had to find it to copy it. It hit me hard in the gut and reminded me of some things that I believe to be true. Here is what it said...
I will never be whole again, because my dad is a part of me that makes me who I am, right down to the core. But, I AM as whole as I will ever be again. I will never fill that hole that is shaped like Forrest B. Snyder, Jr. in my life, because he is gone.
And I don't want to, as much as I wish it didn't hurt so much.
But, I can continue living now, with all that is with me still, continuing to make my life great. I can continue to love, and laugh, and be inappropriate with my friends. I can continue to be kind to others and raise my children with the knowledge that I love them fiercely and have since I found out that I was carrying them "under my heart" as my Grandma said. I can be strong, even when I feel the weakest. I can continue to cling to my husband's love and support and support him simultaneously. I will remember how much I have, that my father gave me...my mom, my brothers, my sister--my people.
I have lost a lot. But I am still alive.
I am not "over it." I don't think there will ever come a time that I am. But I am going to live. I am going to love. And damn it, I am going to laugh. Until it is all encompassing.
We fall in love, and the butterflies start and it is an all encompassing need to be near that person, to hear their voice, to touch them. Then, in some cases, those butterflies flutter away and the relationship breaks up, and there is an all encompassing sadness. Oftentimes, this is a cycle of love, sadness, love, sadness...until, one hopes, the one all encompassing relationship starts and the cycle ends.
When you have a child, there is this all encompassing feeling starting in pregnancy. Protectiveness over this little life takes over every thought, and you can't think of anything else but how to get that baby here safely. Almost every part of life becomes about the baby and then...then. The baby arrives and you see that face and you are bursting with love. The first several weeks and months are about nothing but baby care...diapers, wipes, cribs, baths, feedings, no sleep, crying. And you are taken over by that feeling that you are the only one experiencing it because it has encompassed you.
Most poignant for me has been the all encompassing power of grief. I guess it is a sign that you have loved hard because now, you are grieving hard. The hole in my life that is shaped like my dad is always there. It is always following me. Sometimes, I think it is leading me because I am wrapping myself in it. It is nowhere that I want to stay. And yet, I don't expect it to ever not be that way.
I have found a way to make it through my days and continue to enjoy the fun and the laughs. I partake in quite a few giggle fits with friends and indulge myself in the belief that I am hilarious! It is good to have the type of life that allows you to laugh often and love much. Even so, the hole is right there the whole time.
Tonight as I was binge watching one of my favorite shows, "Call the Midwife" (BBC show and I love it, don't judge), the subject matter was the loss of one of the main characters and the grief of those left behind.
Um, helloooo, I'm right there with you, girls on the screen!
Anyway, there was a clip that stood out and I had to find it to copy it. It hit me hard in the gut and reminded me of some things that I believe to be true. Here is what it said...
"We are leaping into grief as if we had embraced it as a form of recreation. We are not what we have lost. We are not what has been taken from us. You are all too willing to embrace the void. If you do not cherish what remains you will all become as nothing. You will be nothing. We are not broken. We are each as whole as we will ever be again. And in the end when we cease to be we will all become memories." -Sister Monica Joan, Call the Midwife TV series
I will never be whole again, because my dad is a part of me that makes me who I am, right down to the core. But, I AM as whole as I will ever be again. I will never fill that hole that is shaped like Forrest B. Snyder, Jr. in my life, because he is gone.
And I don't want to, as much as I wish it didn't hurt so much.
But, I can continue living now, with all that is with me still, continuing to make my life great. I can continue to love, and laugh, and be inappropriate with my friends. I can continue to be kind to others and raise my children with the knowledge that I love them fiercely and have since I found out that I was carrying them "under my heart" as my Grandma said. I can be strong, even when I feel the weakest. I can continue to cling to my husband's love and support and support him simultaneously. I will remember how much I have, that my father gave me...my mom, my brothers, my sister--my people.
I have lost a lot. But I am still alive.
I am not "over it." I don't think there will ever come a time that I am. But I am going to live. I am going to love. And damn it, I am going to laugh. Until it is all encompassing.
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