The Unexpected
Maybe it is the pouring rain. Maybe it is the beginning of school. Maybe it is the beginning of a baseball season. Maybe it was because I watched Saving Private Ryan last night (not smart). Maybe it was putting all the pictures up in Mom's house yesterday. Maybe it is because their anniversary came and went and he isn't here. Maybe it is because Riley started preschool last week and he wasn't here to see it and hear her stories (which he would have eaten up). Maybe it is because September 11 is tomorrow and he survived the Pentagon being targeted just to die of some dumb disease later (yes, I am bitter). Maybe it is because this month is Pulmonary Fibrosis Awareness month and every time I think about it I get angry.
Whatever the reason, I am in the middle of this unexpected emotional breakdown and it is frustrating me. I dropped Riley off at school and the emotion that has been threatening for a couple of weeks came spilling out as soon as I pulled into the garage.
It won't stop.
I thought I might be past these...the times when the hurt is so strong that you can't fake it. I thought I was past those days when your feelings come pouring out of your eyes regardless of how deeply you breathe or tell yourself to get a grip. It is as though I am back in January, having gotten "the call" from my brother that I was dreading so much. The loss that is almost 9 months old feels like it is happening now.
I don't know what to do about it, other than let myself feel it. I can only give in today, and turn into a puddle like the ones gathering in my yard.
Damn it, I miss my dad. I miss his voice. I miss his hugs. I miss his stupid jokes and puns. I miss his feedback on my life.
I know he would tell me to keep going. And I will...but today I need to sit with this. If I don't, I know it will only get harder as the days go by.
I know I am not alone, but I sure feel that way during these moments because I don't want anyone to know. It makes me feel weak. Well, maybe that is the truth of it...I am weak. I am weak to the fact that I am not a robot. There is no way for my life to go on smoothly unless I am honest about it.
This is my honesty. I am going to break down...I am going to have hard days...I am going to cry until my eyes are puffy and snot pours out of my nose...I am going to rage and fight and get angry.
But, at the end of all of that, I am going to put myself back together. I am going to stand up. I am going to smile again. I am going to feel strong again. I am going to remember the good and not just the ugly.
Because, at the end of the day, the good always has outweighed the bad for me. I would feel like I was wasting something if I didn't recognize that and live that way.
My dad loved me as well as (and more than, in my view) any father could be expected to. I am going to rest in that for a while. I am going to feel his embrace in my memories and know that he is cheering me on from somewhere and reminding me of the love and strength I have left.
I will be the daughter he raised...a strong woman who loves fiercely, feels everything deeply, and fights hard. Even from off the floor.
Whatever the reason, I am in the middle of this unexpected emotional breakdown and it is frustrating me. I dropped Riley off at school and the emotion that has been threatening for a couple of weeks came spilling out as soon as I pulled into the garage.
It won't stop.
I thought I might be past these...the times when the hurt is so strong that you can't fake it. I thought I was past those days when your feelings come pouring out of your eyes regardless of how deeply you breathe or tell yourself to get a grip. It is as though I am back in January, having gotten "the call" from my brother that I was dreading so much. The loss that is almost 9 months old feels like it is happening now.
I don't know what to do about it, other than let myself feel it. I can only give in today, and turn into a puddle like the ones gathering in my yard.
Damn it, I miss my dad. I miss his voice. I miss his hugs. I miss his stupid jokes and puns. I miss his feedback on my life.
I know he would tell me to keep going. And I will...but today I need to sit with this. If I don't, I know it will only get harder as the days go by.
I know I am not alone, but I sure feel that way during these moments because I don't want anyone to know. It makes me feel weak. Well, maybe that is the truth of it...I am weak. I am weak to the fact that I am not a robot. There is no way for my life to go on smoothly unless I am honest about it.
This is my honesty. I am going to break down...I am going to have hard days...I am going to cry until my eyes are puffy and snot pours out of my nose...I am going to rage and fight and get angry.
But, at the end of all of that, I am going to put myself back together. I am going to stand up. I am going to smile again. I am going to feel strong again. I am going to remember the good and not just the ugly.
Because, at the end of the day, the good always has outweighed the bad for me. I would feel like I was wasting something if I didn't recognize that and live that way.
My dad loved me as well as (and more than, in my view) any father could be expected to. I am going to rest in that for a while. I am going to feel his embrace in my memories and know that he is cheering me on from somewhere and reminding me of the love and strength I have left.
I will be the daughter he raised...a strong woman who loves fiercely, feels everything deeply, and fights hard. Even from off the floor.
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