The fog has lifted?



Maybe.

Some days I think yes.

Then there are those other days. The ones that I think I will never get through. The ones with the sobbing. The ones with the frustration. The ones with the questions. The ones that hurt my brain, hurt my heart, hurt my...everything.

Let me start over.

On January 14, 2018, my world crashed. Yes, it sounds dramatic. It certainly was dramatic. On that morning, my father, Forrest B. Snyder, Jr. died.

We knew it was coming. We were all able to be with him. We all got to say our words to him and hear him say his words for us. We prayed (a lot). We cried (a lot). He was ready.

I wasn't. I don't know if there would ever have been a time that I was. It was dramatic.

I thought I had known grief. I thought I had known pain. I had, but nothing like this.

This was so painful that I can't describe it.

That first day, it was so raw. Every nerve frayed to the extreme. Every thought brought tears. Every hug, every look from a family member, every memory broke me further. There are some details about that day that I remember clearly, but will not share. It is still too painful.

As the weeks went on, I walked around in a fog. A thick, black, impenetrable fog. It fell on me and settled in. I was barely functional. Somehow I got the kids to school. Somehow I managed to eat and feed my family. I made it through my speech at the funeral only through the grace of God, and with the love of my family surrounding me.

Months went by and I walked around like I knew what I was doing. I tried to get back into my life. I tried to be positive because I know Dad wanted us to be OK. He taught us to be OK. I wasn't OK. I was alive, but I wasn't living, and I didn't know how anymore. It all felt so wrong.

There were the breakdowns out of nowhere at a traffic light on the way to the gym. Over nothing. The crying over songs in the shower. The inability to listen to my husband read my daughter "One Fish, Two Fish..." because it was one that Dad had memorized and quoted so many times. Crying because my daughter "misses her perfect Grandad." No warning, just emotion. The waves of grief follow no rules or timeline.

I miss my Dad. I miss him all the time. I miss his voice. I miss his smile. I miss his awful jokes. I mostly miss his love and support. And his hands. I miss holding his hand.

This blog is a way for me to heal. It is a way for me to honor my thoughts, emotions, confusion. It has now been almost 7 months without him. I have learned some things from my journey through this pain and I want to share it. My dad always wrote his amazing words of wisdom. He had a gift. I used to enjoy writing as well. Maybe if I get back into it, I can bring some of those words to fruition and help others. And, to be honest, myself.


Comments

  1. UnknownAugust 11, 2018 at 11:23 AM

    Dear lovely niece- Fog, beautiful, cleansing, necessary, but recurring. Fog has its purpose and even as we walk through it and see dimly, God's promise is it will lift and we will again be in light and sunshine. I love you. You are a very blessed young woman.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AngelaAugust 29, 2018 at 5:00 PM

      Thank you. This is definitely the hardest, darkest cloud I have experienced. With God's help and the blessings of so much love from family and friends, I always know I can make it through.

      Delete
    2. UnknownJanuary 15, 2019 at 11:14 PM

      Hi Angela. You are so lovely and so brave. I am weak and also need to join the club. My Father and Mother both died in succession. I worked so hard at it and thought that I would somehow be prepared and that I would receive the higher knowledge when they did pass away. I have fought and fought and continue to ask God why I have not yet won this fight. He said to me, "you have to give it up first in order to win it." Like you have said, I realized I was walking in a fog also. I have seen some results over time and I know that I shall continue on this path. From time to time the fog seems to be beginning to make changes and I am aware of a peacefulness and God's presence. Sometimes he seems to be smiling. I wish you strength Angela, I wish you perseverance, I wish you bountiful blessings, I wish you love, I wish for you that you may walk in Peace. Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart.

      Delete

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