New Beginnings Remind me of Old Beginnings
Tomorrow is a big day. My first official day as a contracted teacher since 2005. I am a ball of emotions, and add onto it having to do it on a computer? Whoa.
I have never been an anxious person, always just taking what comes and handling it. Some was easy, some not so. But always, I came out with a lesson learned.
When I was younger and went to college, I was terrified. I was sad to be leaving home, my boyfriend, and my sister. I was embarking on a new journey with not only school, but as a freshman on the soccer team. How was this going to go? Would I fit in with my teammates? Was I going to succeed in school? How was I going to like my roommate? I cried a lot leading up to that day, and then, after throwing up before we left the house, we arrived on campus and moved me in, and I cried a boatload more when my parents left. Not only had I just left home, but here I was, in my new dorm on the 10th floor of the high rise, in my new beginning, all alone. And back then we had to pay for phone calls. No cell phones. I couldn't even just call whenever I wanted. So I am all alone in my dorm (soccer players moved in a week ahead of the freshman for preseason. I would come to adore this time of nothing but soccer, but this first year it was the worst!) and just want to go home. Enter, boy's freshman soccer players. Praise the Lord for them because there was one on my hall and several in the same building and they came to find me. D, who lived on my hall, and I would become great friends and hung out a ton for the remainder of my college days.
Did it suddenly make me confident that I was where I was supposed to be?
Hell, no. I cried and begged for my mom to let me come home for months.
But, I was less lonely knowing I had people. Soccer was my saving grace outside of people, and that didn't go great for me right away. I got injured my very first game and was out two weeks. I was in a position that I was uncomfortable in and wasn't very good at (thanks a lot, Coach!) but I loved the game and in time grew to love my team, my coaches, and my situation. I grew and from that, had the best experience ever as a successful student athlete at Longwood College.
I earned my Master's in Special Education and my dad was so proud. He had always encouraged everything I did, but this career choice had called me when I was younger. In his last correspondence with me (I have talked about this before in a previous post) that he wrote before he died and mom sent after he died at his request, he brought it up again. He never stopped being proud of me and always encouraged my love for children and teaching, even while I was on hiatus from the classroom.
He would be so proud of me now, on this new career leap, watching me get back at it. I can hear him now..."Go, do great and wonderful things!" He would encourage me to take hold of this situation and own it, especially through all the unknowns and difficulty. He would continuously remind me to "not sweat the small stuff, and, it's all small stuff."
Somehow, I can hear his words so clearly, even though he has been gone 2.5 years. I have been feeling closer to him the last several weeks and couldn't put my finger on it. He is still cheering me on as a teacher from afar, with his hand on my back, nudging me to take this very scary step, because even though it is scary, I am going to come out of it better, having learned. He keeps reminding me that I am strong, I am smart, I am capable, and just because it is hard it isn't impossible. I desperately wish I could give him a hug and feel one of his wet kisses on my cheek, but the memory is all I have.
Dad, I am going to keep fighting, keep doing, keep working, and stay as positive through the fear as I can. You taught me how, and I am going to make this new beginning one for the record books. Thank you for loving me through it all.
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