The "Club"
Not only did I lose my dad in January, but I am acutely aware of others' losses since then.
I have at least 7 friends (off the top of my head) that have joined what I somewhat tongue in cheek am calling the club.
It is a club we never thought we would join (because parents live forever, right??), and yet here we are.
Within two weeks of losing Dad, my friend's dad passed after a battle with illness. We were both so raw and we were both so shocked and angry that we spoke a little, but neither could really be there for the other. She joined the club.
A month later a special lady from my childhood passed away. The family had moved to our street when we were children and we were instantly bonded family friends forever. We went to school and stayed in touch with the kids. A lot of our information about her illness and passing came from her daughter, and we have all cried over our shared losses. She and her brother joined the club.
A few months later, an acquaintance reached out and said that her dad had passed in January as well, and that she could relate to my frustration and questions, and just, everything. She hadn't been very public about her loss so I am not sure how many people knew...I am so glad she reached out to me because I needed to feel that bond. I felt less alone. Selfishly. She joined the club.
A month or two later, a close childhood friend lost her dad after a long, hard fought, heartbreaking battle with cancer. We hadn't been close friends since high school, only reconnecting through the marvels of social media, but suddenly, we found ourselves re-bonded over the mutual loss we both felt of these men who had been in both of our lives from about 5th grade. The respect we each hold in our hearts for the other's dad has stood out. I was able to attend the funeral, thankfully, and hug her myself. No words needed to be said, but we said it all with that hug. She joined the club.
Around the same time, a neighbor who has become family lost her dad. She didn't live near her parents and had to fly home to be with the family. I didn't get to hug her right away, and my heart hurt so much for her, knowing she just wanted to be home with her mom and siblings, and how hard it would be when she had to return here, to her life. She is a brilliantly strong lady, though, and we have had some wonderful conversations about our dads, helping me to rebuild myself a bit. She joined the club.
This next friend was a true acquaintance from high school. I don't know if we even knew each other except by name and class, maybe saying hello in the hallways. He lost his mother and I ached for him because, well, the club sucks. But, here he was, joining the club.
Most recently, a friend from high school lost his dad in an unexpected turn of events in his life. I hadn't seen him since graduation, but I felt his pain immediately. I decided (after lots of stops and starts) that I needed him to feel support from someone who is there with him, and I visited during the viewing. I didn't stay long, I didn't need to. I gave him a hug, told him how sorry I am, talked a couple of minutes about how it just blows so much...and went home. Nothing more needed to be said because, well, the club just gets it. He joined, too.
The weirdest thing for me, is that I have several friends whose parents passed earlier in life, when I was in middle and high school. I felt sad, I hurt, I cried, but I certainly didn't get it then. At all. I am sorry to those individuals for not getting it. And again, selfishly, I wish still didn't get it. I wish no one had to get it. But now, all of us in the club, we get it.
I don't ever want to presume that someone feels the way I do, or that their loss is the same, or that they even want my empathy. We are all so very individual in our handling of our personal losses and there is a lot of beauty in being able to grieve the way you need to, as long as you need to, and when you need to. There is no right way. There are some ways that people deal with loss that can be less than healthy, and I pray hard for them to find help, but I will not judge. When you are struggling, you go day by day, minute by minute, and sometimes breath by breath.
Being a part of this most unfortunate club has opened my eyes to many different parts of myself and my life. I look back and see failures to be a good friend to those in need after loss, failures to know what to and what NOT to say, failures of putting expectations on someone who simply didn't have anything else to give at that moment. Now that I have been (and still am, frankly) in those shoes, so much has come clear.
If you are a part of this club, the "Lost Parents" club, no matter your age or when you lost them, I am so sorry for your loss. I am so sorry that I wasn't always a good friend, or that I didn't understand. I am virtually hugging you from afar and praying that you take a moment to pray for the rest of the club. If there is one thing I have learned from being in the club, it is that we all need each other...in our own time, in our own way, but we need each other.
I know I need you.
I have at least 7 friends (off the top of my head) that have joined what I somewhat tongue in cheek am calling the club.
It is a club we never thought we would join (because parents live forever, right??), and yet here we are.
Within two weeks of losing Dad, my friend's dad passed after a battle with illness. We were both so raw and we were both so shocked and angry that we spoke a little, but neither could really be there for the other. She joined the club.
A month later a special lady from my childhood passed away. The family had moved to our street when we were children and we were instantly bonded family friends forever. We went to school and stayed in touch with the kids. A lot of our information about her illness and passing came from her daughter, and we have all cried over our shared losses. She and her brother joined the club.
A few months later, an acquaintance reached out and said that her dad had passed in January as well, and that she could relate to my frustration and questions, and just, everything. She hadn't been very public about her loss so I am not sure how many people knew...I am so glad she reached out to me because I needed to feel that bond. I felt less alone. Selfishly. She joined the club.
A month or two later, a close childhood friend lost her dad after a long, hard fought, heartbreaking battle with cancer. We hadn't been close friends since high school, only reconnecting through the marvels of social media, but suddenly, we found ourselves re-bonded over the mutual loss we both felt of these men who had been in both of our lives from about 5th grade. The respect we each hold in our hearts for the other's dad has stood out. I was able to attend the funeral, thankfully, and hug her myself. No words needed to be said, but we said it all with that hug. She joined the club.
Around the same time, a neighbor who has become family lost her dad. She didn't live near her parents and had to fly home to be with the family. I didn't get to hug her right away, and my heart hurt so much for her, knowing she just wanted to be home with her mom and siblings, and how hard it would be when she had to return here, to her life. She is a brilliantly strong lady, though, and we have had some wonderful conversations about our dads, helping me to rebuild myself a bit. She joined the club.
This next friend was a true acquaintance from high school. I don't know if we even knew each other except by name and class, maybe saying hello in the hallways. He lost his mother and I ached for him because, well, the club sucks. But, here he was, joining the club.
Most recently, a friend from high school lost his dad in an unexpected turn of events in his life. I hadn't seen him since graduation, but I felt his pain immediately. I decided (after lots of stops and starts) that I needed him to feel support from someone who is there with him, and I visited during the viewing. I didn't stay long, I didn't need to. I gave him a hug, told him how sorry I am, talked a couple of minutes about how it just blows so much...and went home. Nothing more needed to be said because, well, the club just gets it. He joined, too.
The weirdest thing for me, is that I have several friends whose parents passed earlier in life, when I was in middle and high school. I felt sad, I hurt, I cried, but I certainly didn't get it then. At all. I am sorry to those individuals for not getting it. And again, selfishly, I wish still didn't get it. I wish no one had to get it. But now, all of us in the club, we get it.
I don't ever want to presume that someone feels the way I do, or that their loss is the same, or that they even want my empathy. We are all so very individual in our handling of our personal losses and there is a lot of beauty in being able to grieve the way you need to, as long as you need to, and when you need to. There is no right way. There are some ways that people deal with loss that can be less than healthy, and I pray hard for them to find help, but I will not judge. When you are struggling, you go day by day, minute by minute, and sometimes breath by breath.
Being a part of this most unfortunate club has opened my eyes to many different parts of myself and my life. I look back and see failures to be a good friend to those in need after loss, failures to know what to and what NOT to say, failures of putting expectations on someone who simply didn't have anything else to give at that moment. Now that I have been (and still am, frankly) in those shoes, so much has come clear.
If you are a part of this club, the "Lost Parents" club, no matter your age or when you lost them, I am so sorry for your loss. I am so sorry that I wasn't always a good friend, or that I didn't understand. I am virtually hugging you from afar and praying that you take a moment to pray for the rest of the club. If there is one thing I have learned from being in the club, it is that we all need each other...in our own time, in our own way, but we need each other.
I know I need you.
Angela, I was just feeling this way today. I have had a number of friends lose their dads in the last 3 years. Of course, I felt sad and worried for them, but I am only now realizing that I was no where near the friend I should have been to them. Unfortunately I am seeing this so clearly now because my dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer in May. Watching how this disease has changed him in 3 short months has been terrifying. You never really understand how devastating it is until you are living through it. I only hope that my friends understand and that I can do better moving forward.
ReplyDeleteWe all do the best we can with what we know. I pray that your dad kicks cancer's ass, and that you relish every moment with him! Love you!
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