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Showing posts from January, 2019

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On January 26, 2018 I eulogized my beloved father.  I woke up knowing it was going to be a terribly emotional day. I cried a lot. I got showered and dressed, looking as pretty as I could muster, as though it mattered. I sobbed some more. Then, on the road driving to the church, I got angry. What in the world were all of these people doing out on the road, like nothing big was happening? How DARE they go on like the world was the same??  My irrationality was real, and my emotions were raw, my nerves frayed at the ends. Yes, we had said goodbye two weeks before, but now, now we had to honor him in front of people....share a piece of ourselves at the memorial service and tell the world about him, as if that could ever encompass him, as if it could ever be enough. By September of 2017, the writing was on the wall. We (if we admitted it to ourselves) knew that his body was failing him. Our hopes of a miracle, that he would suddenly be well again, were now turning towards...

Fearless

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"Be Fearless. I love you." These were my last words to my father a year ago. As my siblings and I said our goodbyes for the last time and each filed out of the room, we each took our turn giving our final hug. We were thankful that we got to tell him whatever we wanted to in that time, while simultaneously wishing that we didn't have to, that there was more time. Fearless. Why would I tell him to be fearless as he left this world? As I held his face in my hands and looked into his eyes for the last time, telling him how I never wondered my worth with him, through my tears, I told him to be fearless. The memory is a painful one for me, but I am so glad to have it. I know he understood. Dad's nickname with the Pink Panthers was Fearless. I didn't understand this fully until I attended the Vietnam Helicopter Pilot's Association convention in July. I heard how everyone wanted "Fearless" in their front seat because he was the best. I heard how he ...

New Year, New World

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 I have stopped and started this post a couple of times. I have an idea of what I want to say, but have lacked the words to say it right. It seems to be a theme of my year. Last year on January 1, we were muddling through the days, having an idea of what was coming, but lacking the knowledge of what that would truly mean. We were watching Dad wither away, becoming someone new, someone different, knowing he was dying, but not knowing when. I was able to see my Daddy be weak, but simultaneously strong. It was painful and heart wrenching. But, I got to have some special moments with my dad, which I would never ever trade and I will cherish them always. My new year started on January 14, when Dad took his last, peaceful breath, after talking with angels, and meeting his long deceased, beloved parents for a picnic for several days.  After I said my own goodbye to him, staring in his eyes. There was so much beauty in his transition, but the pain of him being gone was acute and...